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UnknownPunk
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Name: Elyse
Location: New York, United States
Gender: Female
Interests: Drumming, Skateboarding, A cetain someone, remembering, Volleyball, Soccer, ummm i write poetry and some songs.
Expertise: Ummm... im not sure if im an expert at anything really.... but i think im good at the tings i do... bet u didnt know that!
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
9/20/2002
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| maybe he'll actually read it this time.....
you used to captivate me, by your resonating light. but now i'm bound by the life you left behind. your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. your voice it chased away all the sanity in me. these wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase. i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, and you never were with me... i've been alone all along. but you still have all of me
now i will tell you what i've done for you. 50 thousand tears i've cried. screaming deceiving and bleeding for you, and you still won't hear me. don't want your hand this time i'll save myself, maybe i'll wake up for once. not tormented daily defeated by you, just when i thought i'd reached the bottom. i'm dying again
im too depressed to go on... youll be sorry when im gone...
ive always loved you, i always will... youve chosen to ignore me... its you own feel will... tbut make sure it known... from me to you... the reason im dying.... its because of you
keep in mind thom... everything this says its the truth.... i was out on my roof...(exerpts from my xanga)
march 31st
y cant i move on -she cries n grabs glass but starts to tear as she puts the shattered glass to her soft skin- this isnt what he would have wanted -shes thinking of thom... - THOM YOU FUCKING PROMISED ME THAT YOU WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME... YOU SAID THAT WHEN EVER I NEEDED YOU, THAT YOU'D BE HERE BUT YOUR NOT ARE YOU NO YOUR NOT YOUR FUCKING NOT! look at what youve dont to me -stares at his picture crying... tears on his picture ruin it... she goes to get a lighter- what am i doing -looks at herself in the mirror- he's changed me so much... why did i let him... -looks at poetry and reads- "is it really me, are you really sure, have i changed in any way, not at all different from yesterday, am i as special as you say?" what made him say what he did -thinks but cant seem to answer it... picks up phone dials 459-....- i cant persure this... this life... -picks up shattered glass with millions of tears on it... and attempts to take her life once more- WHAT AM I DOING? THOM... THEY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY... I LVOE YOU THOM YOU HEAR THAT I LOVE YOU!!! WHY???????? -drops glass on table.... looks out her window and it starts to pour as she looks up at the night sky...- WHY GOD WHY???????? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY... IT STARED OUT SO GREAT... AND EVERYTHING ALL THE MEMORIES I HAVE I REMEMBER EVERYHTING SO VIVIDLY AND IT HURTS SO MUCH... how he used ot hold me in his arm -tear drops down her delicate cheek- and he used to whisper "i love you" and the first song he ever sang for me "fell in love with a girl" and all the times we were alone together,, everything it all its soo soo sooo HORRIBLE... and no matter what i do... no matter what i say or how much i try... i cant get over you-goes out onto roof... about to jump... puts one foot off and sits... clenches ground...- why -tear- why god... WHY? i have jake now... and ive had many other people... but they havnt helped me get over him...
no matter what i do or anyone does i will always love him... and ive lately been seeing people he intoduced me too... and this one guy vitali and i are getting pretty close... i can see he probably doesnt see why thom n i broke up cuz he keeps refering to me as thoms gf... and it hurts so much to hear that... jake and i are very close tho but i can talk to him for a month a fucking month... his fucking mother should die! it reminds me of the time i had mono n i couldnt kiss thom for a month i died... it was killing me to not kiss him.. and he's always be kissing my neck and i'd just want to grab him and make out with him but i didnt wanna get him sick... and i remember the first kiss after the mono how great it was... better than our first.... it raised my spirits so high... now... everything i do everything i know everything i hear... its all reminds me of thom... and comparing the jake and thom situations... its so painful... will this ever end god?
april 5th
its only been getting worse... the want... the need... all for thom... the more i think of him the more i cry... the more i want to die... the more i crawl into my never ending hole of nothingness nevern to come to see the light of day again... i would give my world just to be in his arms once again.... to look into his eyes and cry... happily... and have no worries... just to know i am his... and the would would shine once more... no longer would there be problems because i would be filled... i would die happily... life completed... in his arms... with no worries... but it will NEVER be that way... cuz god will never let me truly be happy... i love thom and i always will... thru death i will....
thank you thom... for this... i will never attend my 14th birthday... and you owe it to yourself... day by day... killing me more and more... i love you and always will theres no joke about it... goodbye
April 07
well... im positive i wont live to see my 14th birthday... POSITIVE... im on suicide watch in school and at home... my family is so fucking scared.... i sent thom an e-mail telling him EVERYTHING by i dont think he read it... nor will he read this cuz he truly doesnt give a fuck about me.... yana... is messing with him... and considers me COMPLETELY out of her life so she says its not backstabbing... because she knows exactly how much i love him. even if she hates me tho... how could u do such a thing to a person who you used to be "in love" with... ive decided to stop using the word love... except in the 2 cases where i actually do love... my father and of course darling thom....
my life has absoloutely NO meaning at all.... theres nothing to live for... no reason to live... no one wants me here anyway so i'd be doing you a favor... but... before i go.. i want to thank all who i have been close with from 1 point to the next... for keeping me strong thru my life... or what was my life... thank you... you'll always be with me... and thom i love you... i honestly do in everyway possible... i cant find ANYTHING not one thing wrong about you anymore... (except for maybe your hairy legs lol j/p) i would give anything in the world just to feel your touch once more... to hear you breathe held up close to your chest... stare into your eyes and know that i was yours... but even tho i am.. im not.... i need you in my life one way or another... with out seeing u... i just dont know what i'd do... when i think of you tears streem from my eyes... i turn red inside and out... the blood pours from my veins in memory of you.. old scars seem pety... and i have plenty | | |
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its late. im up, thinking about my father. when he first died i wasnt as depressed as i should have been. i was more excited that things would be easier. but i was wrong. horribly wrong. the past week ive been up all night every night just thinking about him and everything thats happened since then. how much i miss him. my cousin tried to cheer my up she said that sehe could talk to the dead that she talks to my father. i started crying. x-mas eve.... i missed him soo much, i know she was just trying to help but it made things worse. ever since then most of the things that go through my mind are about me father. how much i miss him i'd give anything for just one more day with him. i stayup in my room most of the time crying.... if not about my father about someone, or something else. well now that i have that off my chest ill go to bed | | | |
| My first words
its over but im drawn back for more. i want him more than anything. to be with me. his arms around me once more. dying for one last kiss. although we remain friends, its not what i would want to be. i love him. i cant help myself. when i speak to him i shake. i wish he felt the same. i'd give anything, do anything for him to. i'd take back everything jsut to be with him once more. to hear his voice whispered softly in my ear. for him tosay "dont worry, it will all be alright. if you need me in here." well i need him now. i want him more than ever. I LOVE HIM
Suzies reaction
ellie u are being wayyyy too overzelous. i know for a fact you arent that obsessed, and ellie, no matter what you think, just trust me here, you dont love him. hey, you may immensly like him, but you do not LOVE him. ok? please?
My reaction
um suzie yea thats the thing i know that ive thrown around the word love alot but im positive about this one. he broke up with me yea ok i thought i was over him but i knew inside i wasnt i know for a fact that i love him. i cant help the way i feel | | |
| u know what sucks!!!! i f*cking went to my aunts house and being the moron i was after i went swimmingi went skateboarding in my bathing suit and no socks or sneakers so i ended up breaking a toe and getting my legs even more scratched up... well ok now that u know BYE
~Elyse | | |
| Today was full of tears.... just one of those days where everything makes u cry.... wellthere were a few reasons...2 weeks agomy father had a heatattack and died today i went to myfriends bar mitzvah and saw him and his familyhappily together and i just couldnt help but cring.... being that there were only 3 people there that i knew i quickly ran to the bathroom... and after that to find out something extremely unmentionable from someone who "supposedly" knows my boyfriend... well today was a nightmare.... thats all i have to say
PEACE!
Elyse | | |
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